Your Teen’s Faith Lies in the Evidence: Success Breeds More of the Same

“I can’t do it. It’ll never happen. I guess I’ll be fat forever. I’ll probably always bite my nails. I can’t see myself ever getting an A. I’ll never have any friends,” and so on and so on. These are some of the self-defeating thoughts, often verbalized, that unfortunately too many Teens seem to experience at one time or another. And if you’re reading this, it is likely your Teen is one of many who has struggled in this respect with a sense of trepidation in establishing and completing goals. This is essentially your Teen demonstrating a diminished faith in her/him/their self, often brought about by one of the following factors: societal pressures and the need to fit in, a learned habit of thinking through bad modeling, or through the experience of trauma which has tainted your Teen’s perspective.

Whatever the cause, these self-sabotaging thoughts and words lead to self-sabotaging actions with perceived failure, the expected outcome, again and again, and again and again, painstakingly so for both your Teen and you as the parent…until, until… success begins to show up. It may be a tiny victory, imperceivable to most, like a small ray of light streaming through thick storm clouds. But to your Teen, it might as well be a powerful noon day sun that has just relit the pilot in their soul, so to speak, that recognizes there’s more than the doom and the gloom they’ve experienced thus far. Perhaps your daughter grew her first fingernail after years of biting them to painful nubs. Maybe your son noticed muscle begin to appear where once there was fat, a chubbiness that he carried around his entire life up until that point. Or it could be that your Teen finally earned their first A after years of struggling academically. Whatever it may be, it is the solid, in your face, beyond a doubt, proof that whatever they are doing is working! It lifts the spirit and provides the intrinsic motivation for your Teen to continue to move forward. And with each success comes more successes. It is as if your Teen just hit mach 1 and broke the sound barrier with a “BOOM”, “mic drop” type of performance that just can’t be beat until he/she/they do it again!

This is what I call the “critical mass of the spirit”, the tipping point, where a disheartened soul feels greater and greater hope in its own abilities to achieve whatever it desires! Think of “The Little Engine That Could”. It may take some time to shine that penny, yet persistence will see it shine as if it were a golden coin made of stardust.

You see, it can be said that “believing is seeing”. It can also be said that “seeing is believing.” The question is, “Which comes first?” Personally, we believe there has to be at least a bit of belief to start in order to see the first evidence of that belief. We then believe that the witnessing of this evidence is the impetus to eventually what becomes unwavering faith.

And so trust that your Teen will find their own evidence. Trust that your Teen has been innately designed to explore and to grow. Give your Teen time, and let your Teen find their own way while you provide gentle guidance and patient protection on what is THEIR journey and not yours. Have faith that your Teen will find their own faith. 🙂

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Do Not Allow Your Teen to Be Trapped into Victimhood: How to Empower Your Teen to Shine

Where do your teen kids learn  their beliefs about the World and how they show up in it?  Is your teen resilient and kind or aggressive and reactive? Do you believe  how your teen behaves and thinks is completely out of your control? Do you, like some parents, feel lost and hopeless at the hold that the media, the music industry, video games and smart phones seem to have on the minds of our teens? Or do you, like others, recognize the tools that you may already have in place to manage this societal onslaught? Let’s be honest, there has always been a seeming number of outside negative influences that have challenged a parent’s ability to foster the well-being of especially their teen child. This is NOT a new phenomenon, and if you believe it is, then you become the victim, and so likely does your teen.

But wait, you say, my teen is gay, my teen is an immigrant, my teen has a disability, my teen is Black, my teen is not Black enough, my teen is Muslim, too short, too tall, morosely overweight, too shy, has a mom who’s a drug addict, has been abused, can’t speak the language, lives in a tough neighborhood, is surrounded by violence, and so on and so on. Whoa, that’s a lot!  Right now, I can imagine that I’ve angered some of you, especially given the times and the current World events. That’s not my intent. Instead, I’d like to spark, perhaps, a bit of self-reflection. You see, as a lesbian mother who raised two kids and lost a partner to cancer while they were still young and as one who experienced sexual trauma as a child, I have often placed myself in the role of a victim. I felt persecuted at times, because I was taught that that’s how I should feel. I allowed society to dictate my worth. I wallowed in my pain and also actively sought conflict.

Unbeknownst to me for a long time, I was projecting my pain onto others and choosing to absorb others’ beliefs about me, because I did not recognize my own Divinity, my own Power.  I was living on the superficial, and was unable to think critically, at a depth, that would grant my power to show itself.  It was suppressed under lock and key due to my lack of awareness . This  hindered my ability to take full responsibility for my life, regardless of my circumstances, my past history, or how I was showing up in the World with regard to race, ethnicity, gender, and such.

Now, granted, some teens  seem to experience greater challenges than others, no doubt.  I’m not going to deny this observable fact. However, what I have come to believe is that the World doesn’t care who you are and where you’ve been, what neighborhood you live in, who your mother is, who are father is or isn’t, whether you have a speech impediment or not. The laws of nature, the laws of the Universe work the same for everybody, and there is a recipe, a blueprint, a system that when applied correctly, never fails to offer one success in whatever form success looks like for that person. The first step is to acknowledge this universal fact.

The next step involves self-accountability.  If you as a parent are not willing to be accountable for the type of life you want for yourself, you cannot expect your teen child be accountable. By looking at external circumstances where there is divisive hate and intolerance as an excuse to render yourself powerless only further feeds this belief system. It doesn’t matter where it originated. Looking to blame and to point the finger will NOT heal and transform you and will impede your teen from doing the same. I know, because as I’ve already mentioned, that was me.

First, as a child, as a teenager, and even as a young adult, I sought out conflict and was undeniably aggressive towards others as I felt I had a right to do so, given my childhood abuse. Later in life, I then spent  years lamenting on my new life as a single parent with young children (“woe is me and poor me”).  And for a period of time, I fed into others who supported that feeling.  This taught my kids to also lament, to also claim their right as a victim.  They disengaged from life and begin to let life happen to them as if they were passengers on a path riddled with roadblocks and detours. This led to both reckless and self-harming behavior, and a less than cherished life for them.  Fortunately, through my own journey, they were also able to witness the tools and strategies I had learned and implemented to transform my own tribulations into triumph. They saw me step more and more into my power as a very special child of God/the Universe, uniquely designed to add to a greater mosaic of humankind.

And so it is, despite whatever subgroup I could place myself in, I don’t, as this only leads to the dilution of my own power. My kids, now 17 and 20 years old, are learning to do the same. They embrace diversity in all its aspects and are slowly showing up in their own authentic power with greater grace and greater integrity, so that their life becomes theirs to dictate, and no one else’s.

As a reminder, I enjoy watching inspirational movies where the protagonist overcomes tremendous odds to secure victory. Two particular movies stand out for me in this respect.  The first is the  The Pursuit of Happyness, starring Will Smith, an African-American salesman with a wife and a young son who struggles to make ends meet. As the bills mount and his family faces eviction, he holds steadfast onto a dream to work as a day trader. In the process, his wife leaves him to raise their son alone, and at one point, he and his son even becomes homeless. Through pure grit, perseverance, and a firm belief in his abilities, however, he comes out on top.

The second movie is a documentary based on the life of Brandon Burlsworth titled Greater. He was essentially a kid who bordered on obesity with a dream to play college and then professional football. Although most of his own family thought his dream was far-fetched, including his deadbeat, alcoholic dad, his mother supported him from start to finish. In fact, it was the love of his mother that seemed to allow him to relentlessly pursue his dream until it became a reality.  Brandon was driven and had complete faith in his abilities!

And so what’s the recipe, you ask?  It’s this in its most simple form:

1. Believe in yourself, always, and never waver, despite what anybody says.

2. Visualize the actualization of your dream every day!

3. Listen to the “yaysayers”, not the “naysayers”.

4. Take inspired action!

5. Never give up!

To learn more powerful ways to step into your authentic power  and to fulfill your own dreams, order our book TODAY!

Kicka$$ Happyness