The teenage years can be riddled with dangerous recklessness, poor decision-making around the need to conform, and a plethora of temptations that can easily lead to harmful outcomes, even that of death. It is no wonder that parents are often filled with angst during these trying years. Add into the mix a teenager who has experienced any level of trauma or a life-changing event such as divorce, the death of a loved one, a move, the end of a friendship or relationship, or an injury, and watch the angst elevate to unhealthy levels. The response, or more aptly called, the reaction of some parents is to exert the type of control that seems all but reminiscent of all major dictatorships. Other parents offer their teenager full reign of what can often be misguided destruction in their lives for fear of losing their connection with their teen. A focus on either of these two parenting styles is often a recipe for disaster. It is the parent that can learn to calmly collect her or himself, moment to moment, from situation to situation, who experiences the greatest success in managing the fallout of a pivotal event in his or her teen’s life.
And so how do you as a parent respond when you know that your teen is sneaking out at night, when your teen’s friends are known drug users, and when your teen is having sex with multiple partners? How do you begin to address your concerns with your teen, especially if your teen has become withdrawn and uncommunicative? How do you ensure that you do not further push away your teen who may also show indications of possible suicidal ideation or who threatens to run away? Most importantly, how is your love for your teen best expressed during these fragile and tenuous times?
Whew!! Wouldn’t it be great to just fast forward to the young adult years, to move beyond the raging hormones and the accelerated growth of a teenager heavily leaning into increased independence? Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the perspective, this is not possible! To be honest, it’s not an option that would benefit either you or your teen. In all actuality, to skip through these critical developmental years without your potentially positive influence could have devastating results. Therefore, it can be an absolute blessing to have your teen’s darkest moments and greatest struggle happen while she or he is still a minor and under your loving watch!
Now that your depressed, anxious, and/or reckless teen is under your watch, how do you manage the ups and the downs, the scent of marijuana on your teen’s clothes, self-cutting scars on your teen’s body, the non-responses when you call, the mumbled, one-word answers when you try to communicate, the lack of interest in family activities, your teen’s choice of the same outfit, day in and day out, your teen’s lack of hygiene, your teen’s failing grades, the calls from the school, the car pulled up outside cajoling your teen to join in against your best wishes? When do you say “yes”, when do you say “no”, and how do you say it?
To begin, every experience is unique! Your teen is unique. You are unique. With that being said, there are many commonalities that can thankfully be addressed with similar strategies, regardless of the particular circumstance. First and foremost, you as the parent must understand that your number one priority, above all else, is your role as a parent. In order to do that effectively, and with appropriate and reasonable boundaries, you must ensure that you address your own needs just as much as the needs of your teen. For example, is it too easy to ignore the calls from the school and to overlook the glaze in your teen’s eyes when you are busy with a demanding job, and just want to sit down on the couch and watch TV after a long day? Are you tired and stressed and easily frustrated by your teen’s unhealthy actions? Do you blame your teen or are you willing to step up and be the caring adult who can instill healthy boundaries for the overall well-being of your teen?
If your answer to that last question was a “yes”, then keep reading! Now answer these next questions for yourself:
Number One: What is my ultimate goal ? (Hopefully to keep your teen alive and well!).
Number Two: What are some of the trivial matters I’m willing to let go of regarding my teenager? For example, are you going to harp on your teenager for forgetting to take out the trash when your teenager is sitting on the couch in a deep state of despair because he or she feels like she or he has no friends?
Perhaps instead, you take the trash out yourself and then come back and offer your teen some support in whatever way your teen is willing to receive it.
Be compassionate and understanding. Pick your battles which don’t have to look like battles at all!
Number Three: Be consistent and clear in your communication. Know when it is going to be a resounding non-negotiable. For example, you may decide that medical marijuana is a better short-term solution for your teen’s deep depression than a psychotropic drug, but you will not permit your teen to smoke with anyone else or outside of the house.
Number Four: Be firm and unwavering when your teen wishes to spend time with friends who you know are partaking in unhealthy activities with your teen. Although you want more than anything for your depressed teen to have friends, friends who negatively influence your teen will only thwart your primary goal, to keep your teen alive and well!
Number Five: Let your teen make some of his or her own choices. This makes them feel as though they still have some control, and that is very important, especially when your teen is trying to manage painful emotions that keep bubbling to the surface. For example what would it look like for your teen to NOT do their homework, to even miss a day of school once in a while? In the overall scheme, especially when you can envision a happily thriving young university graduate, beaming with pride 4 years down the road, would it make that big a difference to forgo a 10th grade homework assignment? Again, focus on the primary goal here!
Number Six: At times, whether your teen may want it or not, you may need to exert your parental authority and get the help your teen truly needs. This is not about control. This is about YOU taking charge and fulfilling your role as a parent!
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